wanna go halves on a baby?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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