checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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