There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
