Where is the hickey?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
