i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
