I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
