Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
