WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
