You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
