Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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