got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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