Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
