p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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