she was so not down for the gang bang
Nicole vs. Life
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
