i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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