summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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