he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
