Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
