I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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