Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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