2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
