I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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