make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There r osticjed everywhere
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
