Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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