my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
