wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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