Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
