i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So squirting runs in the family.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
