I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
