Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
