My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
