Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
