dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
