Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
