this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
