This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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