hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
