ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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