I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
