sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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