The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
