Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
this is an emotional support booty call
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
