i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
