i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
