i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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