I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
