Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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