We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
