The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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