So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
