Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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